Can't I just graduate already?

To put it simply, I'm done. I want out. First week of senior year and I'm already waking up at 6 am pondering major life decisions and freaking out about all the work I have to get done. So I'm going to take this opportunity to update this thing instead.

I'm doing an independent research project in biology, ironically enough looking at the factors involved in chondrogenesis and cartilage differentiation. Maybe I can find a way to grow some for myself in a dish? I'm really excited to be doing it but right now I have this massive proposal just looming over my head. And it's really no fun at all. As soon as I think I've found something that ties the two primary factors I'm looking at together, I find some article that has already tested that link and I'm back to square one. My brain is about to explode.


Then there's the dance department. I'm taking their anatomy class this semester. Basically, I'm relearning everything everything from Animal Phys last fall but in a turned around and slightly wrong way. And every time I answer a question, I'm met with a "how did you know that?!" from the professor. So it should, in theory at least, be an easy class but it's so freaking full of busy work. I spent three hours yesterday coloring in my coloring book. SUCH A WASTE OF MY LIFE. Because coloring in cartilage cells (I just love how everything is coming together...) is really going to help me learn about them? I'm also enjoying all the talk about how the hip is such a strong joint and how they don't usually see cartilage problems until people are at least middle aged. Does that mean I'm going to kick it at 34? Because I'm pretty sure my cartilage started falling apart when I was 17... There was also a nice dig at hip issues when the professor said "if you're overweight, you'll usually run into these problems sooner." Ha. Thanks.

The dance department also apparently thinks I'm still a cripple. I can't wait to get out of here and be somewhere where NO ONE knows about my hip stuff. Because I'm getting really sick of getting looked over for casting, presumably because they still think I'm fragile and something that they need to be careful with. I promise, I'm done being broken. It's either that response, the "oh, well we're just worried because....you know, you were injured for so long" or the "well, you're too much of a ballet/modern dancer" when auditioning for a modern/ballet piece. Getting real old.


My hips honestly feel fantastic though. I'm dancing 4-6 hours everyday, Monday-Friday and feel great. We have screenings for anatomy in two weeks and I'm really curious to see if there's any obvious differences between the right and the left (other than my goofy uneven turnout) and off from "normal". Like really really curious. I'm also predicting that not only will they have a field day with that and my uneven turnout but also with my assembled-backwards knees. We shall see...

Well hello spring semester, where did you come from??

So apparently it's March. That's news to me. Where did the first half of the semester go? I mean, I know the first week of it I was still mentally in London, then there was Snowtorious B.I.G., but really it's mid-semester already? Not complaining...

Things with the hips are, surprise surprise, pretty darn good. They're tolerating 4+ hours of dance daily far better than I could have hoped. Yea, they flare up from time to time and just downright feel like shit some days, but so far I haven't missed a class because of it. My right hip has also developed a CRAZY amount of turnout. My right side has always been better but it's well over 90 degrees now and controlling it all is definitely a struggle, never mind actually using it... Lefty is still golden at just shy of 90. Made Laura proclaim that she hated my fifth position because if I'm not careful, I make up what lefty lacks with righty; meaning righty is over rotated and it looks ridiculous. But what can ya do?

Right now, aside from crazy leg righty, the biggest struggle is just trying to convince the faculty that I'm not fragile--that I can be pushed just as hard as anyone else in the department, that they don't need to be careful with me. Like when I ate marley today in pointe class because my shoes are so shot that I just kind of fell out of them, the teacher immediately jumped up and was like "oh my goodness, Megan, are you okay!?" and made me promise that I was fine. By that point I had already jumped back up and was continuing on with the combination. And someone else had already toppled that class when they hit the sweet spot on the floor mid fouette and down they came--they got a simple, "You okay? good". I'm just sick of feeling like I have more to prove than everyone else--that these injuries aren't me and that they don't make me any less of a dancer than anyone else in the department.

While the hips are holding up to the schedule alright, my feet and ankles are not. They hurt. A lot. Lately they've been crazy stiff. I'm trying to take it easier--like not taking Laura's class in pointe shoes anymore but I think the sheer volume isn't treating them well. We'll see.


Also, starting to think ahead to next semester. The preliminary schedule has anatomy and ecology at the same time. Right, the two classes I absolutely HAVE to take next semester--same time. FML. Still don't know if I'm moving up in ballet or modern next semester--I feel like moving up in ballet would be really good for me, but not sure that the department will go for that for the reasons detailed earlier. And modern, I'd love to move up and feel like they probably will move me up but it'll be going back into Graham. As much as I love Graham (and I really do, no sarcasm here), I know that not having it this year is what is saving my hip flexors. And if I move up, I will need to make sure my schedule has room in it for weekly PT appointments to deal with whatever I end up doing to them. So it's a toss up.