So it's Sunday night. Staring down the home stretch--three weeks left until I get the heck out of here. The next few weeks are jam packed--paper for dance comp, orgo test, genetics test, lab paper for genetics, final project for dance comp, 254 performance, 256 showing, paper for ballet. This week shouldn't be too bad, it's the week after that will be killer.
I also need to suck it up and call Kocher's office. I don't want to, I'm terrified really, but I need to do it or at least stop pretending that things are going to change.
The weather has left righty in a much better state than it was in for the past several weeks. I'm hoping it will stay this way but I'm also not all that optimistic. I know better than that. And after all the catching, locking, snapping, and grinding that had been going on, I really can't kid myself. I just need to get through the end of the semester. Then I can take a little bit of time off, let my body get fat and happy, and then spend the rest of the summer getting back into shape.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Things keep moving forward.
I've just realized that I'm 7 months out from my left hip scope. I can't believe it's already been that long. It was around this time last year that I was dealing with the arthrogram(s) and then the PT and starting to begin the process of planning for that surgery. It feels closer to perfect than I ever thought possible and it keeps surprising me--it's still improving.
Of course, being 7 months out from the left hip means I'm a year and a half out from the last one on the right...and that it's been 7 months since it flared up again. The longer it goes, the less faith I have that it'll ever get better. This week was another bad week--it locked on me on several occasions, including a few when I wasn't really doing anything (i.e. not in dance class). I don't know what to make of it--I have that sinking feeling that there's something way more wrong with it than just some inflammation but at the same time, I don't think there's anything more I could put myself through.
I don't know where to go from here. I think Kocher wanted this week to be my last of PT which, to a degree is a big relief because it's one less thing I have to do. It's also scary because I haven't gotten anywhere--things are what they were.
The last time I saw Kocher, one of his fellows raised an interesting question--would I have gone through all of this if I knew that this was going to be the outcome. And I think I would have, particularly given the stage of my life that I was in at the time when it started. Am I thrilled with the outcome? No but I don't regret deciding to go for it. I needed to do it--the other option was to just live with the pain, effectively ending my hopes for a dance career 3 years sooner.
That's where I am right now. I've stopped kidding myself--I've given up that dream. I've seen it coming for quite some time now, that of course not making at any easier to accept. For the time being, I'm going to keep dancing--I have to, it's who I am. I want to try and finish up the major because, if nothing else, it will prove to me that I could have done it. It's been a long road and I haven't reached the end yet. I'm still waiting to see where it takes me.
Of course, being 7 months out from the left hip means I'm a year and a half out from the last one on the right...and that it's been 7 months since it flared up again. The longer it goes, the less faith I have that it'll ever get better. This week was another bad week--it locked on me on several occasions, including a few when I wasn't really doing anything (i.e. not in dance class). I don't know what to make of it--I have that sinking feeling that there's something way more wrong with it than just some inflammation but at the same time, I don't think there's anything more I could put myself through.
I don't know where to go from here. I think Kocher wanted this week to be my last of PT which, to a degree is a big relief because it's one less thing I have to do. It's also scary because I haven't gotten anywhere--things are what they were.
The last time I saw Kocher, one of his fellows raised an interesting question--would I have gone through all of this if I knew that this was going to be the outcome. And I think I would have, particularly given the stage of my life that I was in at the time when it started. Am I thrilled with the outcome? No but I don't regret deciding to go for it. I needed to do it--the other option was to just live with the pain, effectively ending my hopes for a dance career 3 years sooner.
That's where I am right now. I've stopped kidding myself--I've given up that dream. I've seen it coming for quite some time now, that of course not making at any easier to accept. For the time being, I'm going to keep dancing--I have to, it's who I am. I want to try and finish up the major because, if nothing else, it will prove to me that I could have done it. It's been a long road and I haven't reached the end yet. I'm still waiting to see where it takes me.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
FML
I can just see it now "I'm 20 years old and I've had hip surgery 3 times. They thought I was getting better but now no one really knows what could be going on....FML"
Yea...Righty has been sucking BIG TIME for about a week. Why, I have no idea. It was "Shark Week" in modern class (aka Graham week aka hip death week) which would explain why my hip flexors are angry but not why my right hip has started catching again! Lefty is a bit sore too but it's all just muscular stuff and not all that alarming to me.
I haven't taken a full ballet class in a week. I haven't even really taken a full barre in a week. I've taken two of four modern classes--and didn't jump in either one. It's the take offs and landings that kill me. That's when it tends to catch and briefly lock. Getting up from rolls is also killer. FML.
I'm currently in the process of scheduling for next semester and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't know if I'll be dancing in the fall and I'm really sick of having to juggle things around at the last possible moment. Really, I'd just like to go ONE SEMESTER without having a change of plans due to the hips. My bio adviser expressed concern at the number of classes I'm planning to take, in part in hopes of not having to add anything in the event that I'm not dancing. He managed to talk me down from 4 bio courses (3 three-hundred level...one seminar, and two with labs...) to only 3 but was still scared that I had to use 2 registration forms to fit it all. Wanted me to drop a few of the dance classes but I explained to him that the dance department is worried that I won't have enough credits in the major since I'm essentially trying to complete it in 3 years--his response to that: "But that's absurd! You haven't had functioning legs!!" Yup, I've realized. So it looks like it will be:
MWF
9:00-10:20 Ballet
10:30-11:20 Animal Physiology
12:30-1:20 Advanced Genetics
1:30-2:30 Pointe (WF only)
3:00-4:20 Modern
4:30-6:00 Dance composition (MW only)
Tu
8:30-11:30 Advanced Genetics lab
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-4:30 Animal phys lab
Th
9:00-11:30 Plant Physiology/Biotech seminar
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-2:30 Riding
Assuming of course I don't spend the fall semester on crutches as has become commonplace in my life.
Right now, it feels so much like another labral tear. It'd be helpful if I wasn't in class/work/rehearsal/PT until after 5 everyday so that, you know, I could give Kocher's office a ringy-dingy. Really, I want to know whats up! When I last saw him, he was pretty confident there wasn't any impingement or another tear. We decided way back before the last surgery on the right that I did have a little bit of dysplasia/retroversion but not enough to justify treating. So far, that hasn't been a topic of conversation again.
Yea...Righty has been sucking BIG TIME for about a week. Why, I have no idea. It was "Shark Week" in modern class (aka Graham week aka hip death week) which would explain why my hip flexors are angry but not why my right hip has started catching again! Lefty is a bit sore too but it's all just muscular stuff and not all that alarming to me.
I haven't taken a full ballet class in a week. I haven't even really taken a full barre in a week. I've taken two of four modern classes--and didn't jump in either one. It's the take offs and landings that kill me. That's when it tends to catch and briefly lock. Getting up from rolls is also killer. FML.
I'm currently in the process of scheduling for next semester and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't know if I'll be dancing in the fall and I'm really sick of having to juggle things around at the last possible moment. Really, I'd just like to go ONE SEMESTER without having a change of plans due to the hips. My bio adviser expressed concern at the number of classes I'm planning to take, in part in hopes of not having to add anything in the event that I'm not dancing. He managed to talk me down from 4 bio courses (3 three-hundred level...one seminar, and two with labs...) to only 3 but was still scared that I had to use 2 registration forms to fit it all. Wanted me to drop a few of the dance classes but I explained to him that the dance department is worried that I won't have enough credits in the major since I'm essentially trying to complete it in 3 years--his response to that: "But that's absurd! You haven't had functioning legs!!" Yup, I've realized. So it looks like it will be:
MWF
9:00-10:20 Ballet
10:30-11:20 Animal Physiology
12:30-1:20 Advanced Genetics
1:30-2:30 Pointe (WF only)
3:00-4:20 Modern
4:30-6:00 Dance composition (MW only)
Tu
8:30-11:30 Advanced Genetics lab
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-4:30 Animal phys lab
Th
9:00-11:30 Plant Physiology/Biotech seminar
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-2:30 Riding
Assuming of course I don't spend the fall semester on crutches as has become commonplace in my life.
Right now, it feels so much like another labral tear. It'd be helpful if I wasn't in class/work/rehearsal/PT until after 5 everyday so that, you know, I could give Kocher's office a ringy-dingy. Really, I want to know whats up! When I last saw him, he was pretty confident there wasn't any impingement or another tear. We decided way back before the last surgery on the right that I did have a little bit of dysplasia/retroversion but not enough to justify treating. So far, that hasn't been a topic of conversation again.
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