So it's Sunday night. Staring down the home stretch--three weeks left until I get the heck out of here. The next few weeks are jam packed--paper for dance comp, orgo test, genetics test, lab paper for genetics, final project for dance comp, 254 performance, 256 showing, paper for ballet. This week shouldn't be too bad, it's the week after that will be killer.
I also need to suck it up and call Kocher's office. I don't want to, I'm terrified really, but I need to do it or at least stop pretending that things are going to change.
The weather has left righty in a much better state than it was in for the past several weeks. I'm hoping it will stay this way but I'm also not all that optimistic. I know better than that. And after all the catching, locking, snapping, and grinding that had been going on, I really can't kid myself. I just need to get through the end of the semester. Then I can take a little bit of time off, let my body get fat and happy, and then spend the rest of the summer getting back into shape.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Things keep moving forward.
I've just realized that I'm 7 months out from my left hip scope. I can't believe it's already been that long. It was around this time last year that I was dealing with the arthrogram(s) and then the PT and starting to begin the process of planning for that surgery. It feels closer to perfect than I ever thought possible and it keeps surprising me--it's still improving.
Of course, being 7 months out from the left hip means I'm a year and a half out from the last one on the right...and that it's been 7 months since it flared up again. The longer it goes, the less faith I have that it'll ever get better. This week was another bad week--it locked on me on several occasions, including a few when I wasn't really doing anything (i.e. not in dance class). I don't know what to make of it--I have that sinking feeling that there's something way more wrong with it than just some inflammation but at the same time, I don't think there's anything more I could put myself through.
I don't know where to go from here. I think Kocher wanted this week to be my last of PT which, to a degree is a big relief because it's one less thing I have to do. It's also scary because I haven't gotten anywhere--things are what they were.
The last time I saw Kocher, one of his fellows raised an interesting question--would I have gone through all of this if I knew that this was going to be the outcome. And I think I would have, particularly given the stage of my life that I was in at the time when it started. Am I thrilled with the outcome? No but I don't regret deciding to go for it. I needed to do it--the other option was to just live with the pain, effectively ending my hopes for a dance career 3 years sooner.
That's where I am right now. I've stopped kidding myself--I've given up that dream. I've seen it coming for quite some time now, that of course not making at any easier to accept. For the time being, I'm going to keep dancing--I have to, it's who I am. I want to try and finish up the major because, if nothing else, it will prove to me that I could have done it. It's been a long road and I haven't reached the end yet. I'm still waiting to see where it takes me.
Of course, being 7 months out from the left hip means I'm a year and a half out from the last one on the right...and that it's been 7 months since it flared up again. The longer it goes, the less faith I have that it'll ever get better. This week was another bad week--it locked on me on several occasions, including a few when I wasn't really doing anything (i.e. not in dance class). I don't know what to make of it--I have that sinking feeling that there's something way more wrong with it than just some inflammation but at the same time, I don't think there's anything more I could put myself through.
I don't know where to go from here. I think Kocher wanted this week to be my last of PT which, to a degree is a big relief because it's one less thing I have to do. It's also scary because I haven't gotten anywhere--things are what they were.
The last time I saw Kocher, one of his fellows raised an interesting question--would I have gone through all of this if I knew that this was going to be the outcome. And I think I would have, particularly given the stage of my life that I was in at the time when it started. Am I thrilled with the outcome? No but I don't regret deciding to go for it. I needed to do it--the other option was to just live with the pain, effectively ending my hopes for a dance career 3 years sooner.
That's where I am right now. I've stopped kidding myself--I've given up that dream. I've seen it coming for quite some time now, that of course not making at any easier to accept. For the time being, I'm going to keep dancing--I have to, it's who I am. I want to try and finish up the major because, if nothing else, it will prove to me that I could have done it. It's been a long road and I haven't reached the end yet. I'm still waiting to see where it takes me.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
FML
I can just see it now "I'm 20 years old and I've had hip surgery 3 times. They thought I was getting better but now no one really knows what could be going on....FML"
Yea...Righty has been sucking BIG TIME for about a week. Why, I have no idea. It was "Shark Week" in modern class (aka Graham week aka hip death week) which would explain why my hip flexors are angry but not why my right hip has started catching again! Lefty is a bit sore too but it's all just muscular stuff and not all that alarming to me.
I haven't taken a full ballet class in a week. I haven't even really taken a full barre in a week. I've taken two of four modern classes--and didn't jump in either one. It's the take offs and landings that kill me. That's when it tends to catch and briefly lock. Getting up from rolls is also killer. FML.
I'm currently in the process of scheduling for next semester and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't know if I'll be dancing in the fall and I'm really sick of having to juggle things around at the last possible moment. Really, I'd just like to go ONE SEMESTER without having a change of plans due to the hips. My bio adviser expressed concern at the number of classes I'm planning to take, in part in hopes of not having to add anything in the event that I'm not dancing. He managed to talk me down from 4 bio courses (3 three-hundred level...one seminar, and two with labs...) to only 3 but was still scared that I had to use 2 registration forms to fit it all. Wanted me to drop a few of the dance classes but I explained to him that the dance department is worried that I won't have enough credits in the major since I'm essentially trying to complete it in 3 years--his response to that: "But that's absurd! You haven't had functioning legs!!" Yup, I've realized. So it looks like it will be:
MWF
9:00-10:20 Ballet
10:30-11:20 Animal Physiology
12:30-1:20 Advanced Genetics
1:30-2:30 Pointe (WF only)
3:00-4:20 Modern
4:30-6:00 Dance composition (MW only)
Tu
8:30-11:30 Advanced Genetics lab
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-4:30 Animal phys lab
Th
9:00-11:30 Plant Physiology/Biotech seminar
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-2:30 Riding
Assuming of course I don't spend the fall semester on crutches as has become commonplace in my life.
Right now, it feels so much like another labral tear. It'd be helpful if I wasn't in class/work/rehearsal/PT until after 5 everyday so that, you know, I could give Kocher's office a ringy-dingy. Really, I want to know whats up! When I last saw him, he was pretty confident there wasn't any impingement or another tear. We decided way back before the last surgery on the right that I did have a little bit of dysplasia/retroversion but not enough to justify treating. So far, that hasn't been a topic of conversation again.
Yea...Righty has been sucking BIG TIME for about a week. Why, I have no idea. It was "Shark Week" in modern class (aka Graham week aka hip death week) which would explain why my hip flexors are angry but not why my right hip has started catching again! Lefty is a bit sore too but it's all just muscular stuff and not all that alarming to me.
I haven't taken a full ballet class in a week. I haven't even really taken a full barre in a week. I've taken two of four modern classes--and didn't jump in either one. It's the take offs and landings that kill me. That's when it tends to catch and briefly lock. Getting up from rolls is also killer. FML.
I'm currently in the process of scheduling for next semester and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't know if I'll be dancing in the fall and I'm really sick of having to juggle things around at the last possible moment. Really, I'd just like to go ONE SEMESTER without having a change of plans due to the hips. My bio adviser expressed concern at the number of classes I'm planning to take, in part in hopes of not having to add anything in the event that I'm not dancing. He managed to talk me down from 4 bio courses (3 three-hundred level...one seminar, and two with labs...) to only 3 but was still scared that I had to use 2 registration forms to fit it all. Wanted me to drop a few of the dance classes but I explained to him that the dance department is worried that I won't have enough credits in the major since I'm essentially trying to complete it in 3 years--his response to that: "But that's absurd! You haven't had functioning legs!!" Yup, I've realized. So it looks like it will be:
MWF
9:00-10:20 Ballet
10:30-11:20 Animal Physiology
12:30-1:20 Advanced Genetics
1:30-2:30 Pointe (WF only)
3:00-4:20 Modern
4:30-6:00 Dance composition (MW only)
Tu
8:30-11:30 Advanced Genetics lab
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-4:30 Animal phys lab
Th
9:00-11:30 Plant Physiology/Biotech seminar
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-2:30 Riding
Assuming of course I don't spend the fall semester on crutches as has become commonplace in my life.
Right now, it feels so much like another labral tear. It'd be helpful if I wasn't in class/work/rehearsal/PT until after 5 everyday so that, you know, I could give Kocher's office a ringy-dingy. Really, I want to know whats up! When I last saw him, he was pretty confident there wasn't any impingement or another tear. We decided way back before the last surgery on the right that I did have a little bit of dysplasia/retroversion but not enough to justify treating. So far, that hasn't been a topic of conversation again.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Did I make it?
Yippee, it's spring break! I'm a little shocked I'm still alive. Between the 252 paper, genetics test, orgo test, genetics paper, orgo paper and countless 252 studies (and redos!) I wasn't planning on making it to spring break! Still not entirely sure how I did...lots and lots of coffee?
Seeing Kocher tomorrow. Because, really, what would break be if I didn't see him at least once? haha... PT is thinking that he'll be happy that I've made at least some progress but probably not so happy that things still aren't really all that much better. I can't say I'm entirely thrilled myself. Nor is Kathi, who I think would want to kill me if she could figure out who this "Megan H." character actually was...
Lefty is (still) doing fab. Balance is finally coming back and I'm getting a little bit more control over my turnout. Extensions are slowly climbing back up there. I can whack it up there in grand battements and such but holding it anywhere over 90 just doesn't work out so well. But it'll get there...eventually.
Righty is continuing to not get much better or much worse. It's a shit ton stronger than it was prior to starting up the latest round of PT but it's still not exactly a happy camper, especially when it hasn't been worked on within the past two or three days...like right now. We'll see what Kocher has to say about it tomorrow...
Seeing Kocher tomorrow. Because, really, what would break be if I didn't see him at least once? haha... PT is thinking that he'll be happy that I've made at least some progress but probably not so happy that things still aren't really all that much better. I can't say I'm entirely thrilled myself. Nor is Kathi, who I think would want to kill me if she could figure out who this "Megan H." character actually was...
Lefty is (still) doing fab. Balance is finally coming back and I'm getting a little bit more control over my turnout. Extensions are slowly climbing back up there. I can whack it up there in grand battements and such but holding it anywhere over 90 just doesn't work out so well. But it'll get there...eventually.
Righty is continuing to not get much better or much worse. It's a shit ton stronger than it was prior to starting up the latest round of PT but it's still not exactly a happy camper, especially when it hasn't been worked on within the past two or three days...like right now. We'll see what Kocher has to say about it tomorrow...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
It's February.
Almost March, actually.
I was thinking about it and realized that Mr. Lefty will be 6 months post-surgery in about a week. Wow. Time flies. I've been dancing again for almost 3 months now, the same amount of time I was out for. So I've got no more excuses--I should be just about back to where I was. I feel like I am--I'm not hesitating anymore, I'm attacking things again, I finally got falling out of my system (in the ballet res auditions of course but at least it's out of my system now...), and I'm feeling good. The only thing I'm still struggling with really is holding my turnout and getting my extensions back up there--it was a good 6 months before surgery though that nothing was going higher than degage and it's only with this surgery that I have close to 90 degrees of rotation on the left, so I'm sure it will come with time. That and my balance on the left...we were doing partnered pirrouettes the other day in pointe class and I couldn't turn right because my balance was such a mess on the left leg, so I had to be a lefty turner. It better come with time.
It really feels close to 100%, as close to 100% as I think it ever will and ever could be. I sometimes forget that I ever even had that surgery. Then I see the scars and I remember or just get really confused for a second before remembering, and then I just feel like an idiot.
Mr. Righty is still far from fantastic. I see Kocher in a couple of weeks, hoping he'll have some idea of where to go next. I've been in PT again for a few weeks now and, while they've yet to give up on me, I'm about to give up on myself. I've been dealing with this for too long. My psoas is still angry as all hell and the cortisone shot didn't help that. It got rid of the nasty pinching feeling inside the joint but my psoas is still not a happy camper. PT has tried stretching it but, when you're so flexible already, it's hard to stretch things. We've tried strengthening it but anything that really works it causes it to catch and snap and get really sore. They've tried taping it which helps but only until the tape falls off. I don't know, I'm kind of ready to just give up on it for the time being. It doesn't bother me too much once I get warm in class, it's after class that I really pay for it and for the first few exercises at the barre that I really hate it. I'm also still scared to land on it, because it feels so similar to how it did. But I can deal with it and it's not getting any worse. We'll see how long I can put up with this.
I was thinking about it and realized that Mr. Lefty will be 6 months post-surgery in about a week. Wow. Time flies. I've been dancing again for almost 3 months now, the same amount of time I was out for. So I've got no more excuses--I should be just about back to where I was. I feel like I am--I'm not hesitating anymore, I'm attacking things again, I finally got falling out of my system (in the ballet res auditions of course but at least it's out of my system now...), and I'm feeling good. The only thing I'm still struggling with really is holding my turnout and getting my extensions back up there--it was a good 6 months before surgery though that nothing was going higher than degage and it's only with this surgery that I have close to 90 degrees of rotation on the left, so I'm sure it will come with time. That and my balance on the left...we were doing partnered pirrouettes the other day in pointe class and I couldn't turn right because my balance was such a mess on the left leg, so I had to be a lefty turner. It better come with time.
It really feels close to 100%, as close to 100% as I think it ever will and ever could be. I sometimes forget that I ever even had that surgery. Then I see the scars and I remember or just get really confused for a second before remembering, and then I just feel like an idiot.
Mr. Righty is still far from fantastic. I see Kocher in a couple of weeks, hoping he'll have some idea of where to go next. I've been in PT again for a few weeks now and, while they've yet to give up on me, I'm about to give up on myself. I've been dealing with this for too long. My psoas is still angry as all hell and the cortisone shot didn't help that. It got rid of the nasty pinching feeling inside the joint but my psoas is still not a happy camper. PT has tried stretching it but, when you're so flexible already, it's hard to stretch things. We've tried strengthening it but anything that really works it causes it to catch and snap and get really sore. They've tried taping it which helps but only until the tape falls off. I don't know, I'm kind of ready to just give up on it for the time being. It doesn't bother me too much once I get warm in class, it's after class that I really pay for it and for the first few exercises at the barre that I really hate it. I'm also still scared to land on it, because it feels so similar to how it did. But I can deal with it and it's not getting any worse. We'll see how long I can put up with this.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Right, and about that
So it's the end of January. Back at school for about 24 hours, classes starting tomorrow. If this semester doesn't kill me, I'm not really sure what will.
MWF we've got genetics (on Monday it's twice!), orgo, ballet, riding, and pointe class. 9:30-2:30, 'cept for Monday when I've got genetics from 3:30-4:20 too. TuTh we've got dance comp, modern (115 AND 116!), and either orgo or genetics lab 8:30-4:30 solid. Fun stuff. But by some crazy twist of fate, it's only 15 credits. Yea. Not cool.
On Friday, my right hip had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of a cortisone injection. 7th time I've had a large needle of some sort or another placed into my hip joint. 5th time for righty. Right, and I've had three surgeries too. WTF. Kocher had planned to knock me out for it "because people usually find it really painful, especially when he's doing both the joint and the psoas" but I talked him out of it. He agreed that if I'd had 5 arthrograms and a previous steriod injection and wasn't begging to be knocked out for this one, I'd do just fine. Pretty much called me a bamf after the fact. I believe his exact phrasing was "What do you do...eat NAILS for breakfast?! You didn't even flinch!" Yup, that's right, nails for breakfast and tacks for snacks. No, not really, my standards for pain have just changed alot over the past few years. And lidocaine is freaking AMAZING.
Umm...so. Waiting for that to start kicking in. Feeling considerably less gimpy today than I did the past few days though so hopefully it'll be good to go by tomorrow. Would also appreciate it if his signature would scrub off my leg. I'm not entirely sure it was necessary to sign it at all, considering I was awake and could have just been like "yo, wrong leg" (though I'm sure lefty wouldn't have complained). I'm even less sure that it was necessary to sign it with a freaking permanent pen. I don't seem to remember it taking this long to scrub off after surgeries. It's totally going to show through my tights if I can't get it to scrub off by Wednesday. haha. That'll be a good thing to try and explain. I legit exfoliated my thigh this morning in the shower with all sorts of face wash...and it didn't really go much of anywhere. Whatevs.
Have to haul my (seemingly perpetually crippled) ass to PT again starting in two weeks. I guess I was supposed to start next week, didn't get that memo until after the fact so what can ya do. I'm too embarassed to go back to the place I was at because I was all "oh, I'm done with that now" before break and, well, obvi, I'm not. I probs could have gotten an appointment there, but, for the reasons discussed earlier, that's not going to happen. So I'm going some place down the street. And i'll be hauling ass there after classes. Fun. My favorite pasttime. Right. lolz.
Took class like mad crazy over break. Trying to get myself into shape. I'm not convinced. Mary seems to think I'm looking better but she's also the sweetest thing in the world. Auditions are in like 2 weeks, idk. Need to get in shape again ASAP. I've been saying that for quite some time. Can't believe it's already been 5 months since surgery. I've still got a long way to go.
MWF we've got genetics (on Monday it's twice!), orgo, ballet, riding, and pointe class. 9:30-2:30, 'cept for Monday when I've got genetics from 3:30-4:20 too. TuTh we've got dance comp, modern (115 AND 116!), and either orgo or genetics lab 8:30-4:30 solid. Fun stuff. But by some crazy twist of fate, it's only 15 credits. Yea. Not cool.
On Friday, my right hip had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of a cortisone injection. 7th time I've had a large needle of some sort or another placed into my hip joint. 5th time for righty. Right, and I've had three surgeries too. WTF. Kocher had planned to knock me out for it "because people usually find it really painful, especially when he's doing both the joint and the psoas" but I talked him out of it. He agreed that if I'd had 5 arthrograms and a previous steriod injection and wasn't begging to be knocked out for this one, I'd do just fine. Pretty much called me a bamf after the fact. I believe his exact phrasing was "What do you do...eat NAILS for breakfast?! You didn't even flinch!" Yup, that's right, nails for breakfast and tacks for snacks. No, not really, my standards for pain have just changed alot over the past few years. And lidocaine is freaking AMAZING.
Umm...so. Waiting for that to start kicking in. Feeling considerably less gimpy today than I did the past few days though so hopefully it'll be good to go by tomorrow. Would also appreciate it if his signature would scrub off my leg. I'm not entirely sure it was necessary to sign it at all, considering I was awake and could have just been like "yo, wrong leg" (though I'm sure lefty wouldn't have complained). I'm even less sure that it was necessary to sign it with a freaking permanent pen. I don't seem to remember it taking this long to scrub off after surgeries. It's totally going to show through my tights if I can't get it to scrub off by Wednesday. haha. That'll be a good thing to try and explain. I legit exfoliated my thigh this morning in the shower with all sorts of face wash...and it didn't really go much of anywhere. Whatevs.
Have to haul my (seemingly perpetually crippled) ass to PT again starting in two weeks. I guess I was supposed to start next week, didn't get that memo until after the fact so what can ya do. I'm too embarassed to go back to the place I was at because I was all "oh, I'm done with that now" before break and, well, obvi, I'm not. I probs could have gotten an appointment there, but, for the reasons discussed earlier, that's not going to happen. So I'm going some place down the street. And i'll be hauling ass there after classes. Fun. My favorite pasttime. Right. lolz.
Took class like mad crazy over break. Trying to get myself into shape. I'm not convinced. Mary seems to think I'm looking better but she's also the sweetest thing in the world. Auditions are in like 2 weeks, idk. Need to get in shape again ASAP. I've been saying that for quite some time. Can't believe it's already been 5 months since surgery. I've still got a long way to go.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I'm a flakesauce.
My reasons:
1. I never update this thing.
2. I keep having schools send me transfer info but I'm way too lazy to think about filling anything out.
3. I'm riding next semester instead of taking pointe class regularly.
So I saw Kocher way back on December 1st and he turned me loose. Basically, Hinton is a crackpot. My MRI was spotless; I just have an inflamed iliopsoas and he's got me popping enough ibuprofen in the hopes of calming it down that I can feel my liver crying. But I'm done with that tomorrow (?...again, I'm a flakesauce). I think its helping but I can definitely tell when it's wearing off.
But I'm dancing again. It feels awesome. I haven't been able to go through passe on both legs for three freaking years! It's so bizarre! And not having to remember to be careful about either one--I can finally remember combinations again! Well...sort of; my memory is shot from the time off. Righty gets a little angry when I push the develope a la second and devant too much (but we're talking when I'm pushing for things decently over 90, in the past I couldn't go past 45); lefty I can feel ramming into scar tissue when I push the turnout too much--but I can tell it's all temporary; I'm finally going to GET BETTER. I have to get my ass back into shape though. Dance major review is in early Feb and apparently I may be in danger. I guess they finally realized that, though next semester will be my 4th here, it will only be my second dancing. And apparently that's not cool for a dance major.
The other exciting news is that I'm riding next semester. I know that I quit in a rather irrational and rash decision so it only seems right that my decision to start again would be equally irrational and rash. Since Kocher was cool with it, I figured what the heck and set up an evaluation ride and all that fun stuff. None of the lesson times really fit in my schedule but I figured it didn't hurt to see. And the head instructor was really nice. So I decided that having pointe three times a week is rather unnecessary and it wouldn't hurt to just take it as an audit so I could ride instead. Yea...Again, flakesauce.
Finals suck.
The end.
1. I never update this thing.
2. I keep having schools send me transfer info but I'm way too lazy to think about filling anything out.
3. I'm riding next semester instead of taking pointe class regularly.
So I saw Kocher way back on December 1st and he turned me loose. Basically, Hinton is a crackpot. My MRI was spotless; I just have an inflamed iliopsoas and he's got me popping enough ibuprofen in the hopes of calming it down that I can feel my liver crying. But I'm done with that tomorrow (?...again, I'm a flakesauce). I think its helping but I can definitely tell when it's wearing off.
But I'm dancing again. It feels awesome. I haven't been able to go through passe on both legs for three freaking years! It's so bizarre! And not having to remember to be careful about either one--I can finally remember combinations again! Well...sort of; my memory is shot from the time off. Righty gets a little angry when I push the develope a la second and devant too much (but we're talking when I'm pushing for things decently over 90, in the past I couldn't go past 45); lefty I can feel ramming into scar tissue when I push the turnout too much--but I can tell it's all temporary; I'm finally going to GET BETTER. I have to get my ass back into shape though. Dance major review is in early Feb and apparently I may be in danger. I guess they finally realized that, though next semester will be my 4th here, it will only be my second dancing. And apparently that's not cool for a dance major.
The other exciting news is that I'm riding next semester. I know that I quit in a rather irrational and rash decision so it only seems right that my decision to start again would be equally irrational and rash. Since Kocher was cool with it, I figured what the heck and set up an evaluation ride and all that fun stuff. None of the lesson times really fit in my schedule but I figured it didn't hurt to see. And the head instructor was really nice. So I decided that having pointe three times a week is rather unnecessary and it wouldn't hurt to just take it as an audit so I could ride instead. Yea...Again, flakesauce.
Finals suck.
The end.
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