Hello Summer!

I can't believe that it's actually been sunny and warm for the past two days! After the nasty rain and cold that consumed nearly the entire month of June, it was quite the welcome change. Just wish it wasn't so humid, though this is no match for Baltimore humidity--I don't quite feel like I'm underwater.

Right hip has been angry for about two weeks now. Really annoyed by that. It's my psoas that's being a brat, like it always is. The humidity really isn't helping matters with it right now either. Part of me feels like it'd probably be worth trying to see Kocher a bit sooner than mid-August (as much as I really don't want to); part of me feels like he's just going to tell me the same thing he told me back in March--that it's probably not going to get better and there's not much that can be done about it. Took it easy dance-wise (or really just ballet wise considering I have yet to take a modern class this summer...should probably get on that since they've finally moved me up and all) this week, partially hoping that that'd help the situation (but really because I slept through class Tuesday morning, forgot about class Tuesday night, and was exhausted Wednesday so opted out of class). It didn't really. Every so often I get that stupid pinching feeling that sends labral tear alarm bells ringing off in my head--happened Tuesday night, so I worked myself up and couldn't sleep, hence why I was exhausted on Wednesday. Logically, I know that's unlikely because 1) I'm not there's a whole lot of labrum left to tear, 2) all looked well on the last MRI, and 3) I have internal rotation, not a heck of a lot but some.

Left hip freaking rocks. Noticed in class on Monday and then again in class last night that it's wicked weak but I can work on that. It's really not cool when you have a combination that asks you to hold a grand battement in second and your leg drops a good 2o+ degrees. Yea...

Spent today at the hospital with my mom (no worries, she's fine...it was just pay back for making her wait around for me with three hip surgeries. Lahey is so not a fun hospital to hang around at. She totally got it good hanging out at Children's.), having training all day Sat and Sun, start work on Wednesday and then work Mon-Thurs for the month of July. And then summer is nearly over. Eeek.

Well this is new to me...

It's the first summer in three years where I'm not anticipating a hip surgery in the fall. So I actually have to stay in shape and take classes, what?! I see Kocher sometime in August and I'm hoping it'll be my last time in there. They're wonderful and all, it's just not exactly my favorite place to have to visit every time I'm home.

Things are really pretty awesome. They got a little angry when I was moving out, something about hauling all my shit down from the 4th floor and over to the car didn't really agree with them. Then the right one has gotten a little tendonitis-y on and off but I couldn't be happier with how things are right now. A couple months ago I was convinced I'd be having surgery again and here I am. So WOOHOO! I'm pretty pumped.


Grades came out and I did pretty damn awesome. A's in genetics, genetics lab, ballet (!!), and dance comp; B in orgo. Next semester will be fun (not). Double ballet, modern, comp, pointe (for credit w/Kathy. fml), and then animal phys w/lab, advanced genetics, advanced genetics lab, and plant phys seminar. Oh, and a riding lesson and my pre-departure class for London. Actually, I'm pretty excited for all of it aside from pointe and seminar. It'll just be class for 8:30 or 9 until 6:30 everday. BUT for the first time ever, I'll have lunch on MWF. I just won't really have dinner, ever. But that's okay b/c I have LUNCH.

Another week.

So it's Sunday night. Staring down the home stretch--three weeks left until I get the heck out of here. The next few weeks are jam packed--paper for dance comp, orgo test, genetics test, lab paper for genetics, final project for dance comp, 254 performance, 256 showing, paper for ballet. This week shouldn't be too bad, it's the week after that will be killer.

I also need to suck it up and call Kocher's office. I don't want to, I'm terrified really, but I need to do it or at least stop pretending that things are going to change.

The weather has left righty in a much better state than it was in for the past several weeks. I'm hoping it will stay this way but I'm also not all that optimistic. I know better than that. And after all the catching, locking, snapping, and grinding that had been going on, I really can't kid myself. I just need to get through the end of the semester. Then I can take a little bit of time off, let my body get fat and happy, and then spend the rest of the summer getting back into shape.

Things keep moving forward.

I've just realized that I'm 7 months out from my left hip scope. I can't believe it's already been that long. It was around this time last year that I was dealing with the arthrogram(s) and then the PT and starting to begin the process of planning for that surgery. It feels closer to perfect than I ever thought possible and it keeps surprising me--it's still improving.

Of course, being 7 months out from the left hip means I'm a year and a half out from the last one on the right...and that it's been 7 months since it flared up again. The longer it goes, the less faith I have that it'll ever get better. This week was another bad week--it locked on me on several occasions, including a few when I wasn't really doing anything (i.e. not in dance class). I don't know what to make of it--I have that sinking feeling that there's something way more wrong with it than just some inflammation but at the same time, I don't think there's anything more I could put myself through.

I don't know where to go from here. I think Kocher wanted this week to be my last of PT which, to a degree is a big relief because it's one less thing I have to do. It's also scary because I haven't gotten anywhere--things are what they were.



The last time I saw Kocher, one of his fellows raised an interesting question--would I have gone through all of this if I knew that this was going to be the outcome. And I think I would have, particularly given the stage of my life that I was in at the time when it started. Am I thrilled with the outcome? No but I don't regret deciding to go for it. I needed to do it--the other option was to just live with the pain, effectively ending my hopes for a dance career 3 years sooner.

That's where I am right now. I've stopped kidding myself--I've given up that dream. I've seen it coming for quite some time now, that of course not making at any easier to accept. For the time being, I'm going to keep dancing--I have to, it's who I am. I want to try and finish up the major because, if nothing else, it will prove to me that I could have done it. It's been a long road and I haven't reached the end yet. I'm still waiting to see where it takes me.

FML

I can just see it now "I'm 20 years old and I've had hip surgery 3 times. They thought I was getting better but now no one really knows what could be going on....FML"


Yea...Righty has been sucking BIG TIME for about a week. Why, I have no idea. It was "Shark Week" in modern class (aka Graham week aka hip death week) which would explain why my hip flexors are angry but not why my right hip has started catching again! Lefty is a bit sore too but it's all just muscular stuff and not all that alarming to me.

I haven't taken a full ballet class in a week. I haven't even really taken a full barre in a week. I've taken two of four modern classes--and didn't jump in either one. It's the take offs and landings that kill me. That's when it tends to catch and briefly lock. Getting up from rolls is also killer. FML.

I'm currently in the process of scheduling for next semester and I have no idea what to do about it. I don't know if I'll be dancing in the fall and I'm really sick of having to juggle things around at the last possible moment. Really, I'd just like to go ONE SEMESTER without having a change of plans due to the hips. My bio adviser expressed concern at the number of classes I'm planning to take, in part in hopes of not having to add anything in the event that I'm not dancing. He managed to talk me down from 4 bio courses (3 three-hundred level...one seminar, and two with labs...) to only 3 but was still scared that I had to use 2 registration forms to fit it all. Wanted me to drop a few of the dance classes but I explained to him that the dance department is worried that I won't have enough credits in the major since I'm essentially trying to complete it in 3 years--his response to that: "But that's absurd! You haven't had functioning legs!!" Yup, I've realized. So it looks like it will be:


MWF
9:00-10:20 Ballet
10:30-11:20 Animal Physiology
12:30-1:20 Advanced Genetics
1:30-2:30 Pointe (WF only)
3:00-4:20 Modern
4:30-6:00 Dance composition (MW only)

Tu
8:30-11:30 Advanced Genetics lab
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-4:30 Animal phys lab

Th
9:00-11:30 Plant Physiology/Biotech seminar
12:00-1:20 Ballet
1:30-2:30 Riding

Assuming of course I don't spend the fall semester on crutches as has become commonplace in my life.


Right now, it feels so much like another labral tear. It'd be helpful if I wasn't in class/work/rehearsal/PT until after 5 everyday so that, you know, I could give Kocher's office a ringy-dingy. Really, I want to know whats up! When I last saw him, he was pretty confident there wasn't any impingement or another tear. We decided way back before the last surgery on the right that I did have a little bit of dysplasia/retroversion but not enough to justify treating. So far, that hasn't been a topic of conversation again.

Did I make it?

Yippee, it's spring break! I'm a little shocked I'm still alive. Between the 252 paper, genetics test, orgo test, genetics paper, orgo paper and countless 252 studies (and redos!) I wasn't planning on making it to spring break! Still not entirely sure how I did...lots and lots of coffee?

Seeing Kocher tomorrow. Because, really, what would break be if I didn't see him at least once? haha... PT is thinking that he'll be happy that I've made at least some progress but probably not so happy that things still aren't really all that much better. I can't say I'm entirely thrilled myself. Nor is Kathi, who I think would want to kill me if she could figure out who this "Megan H." character actually was...


Lefty is (still) doing fab. Balance is finally coming back and I'm getting a little bit more control over my turnout. Extensions are slowly climbing back up there. I can whack it up there in grand battements and such but holding it anywhere over 90 just doesn't work out so well. But it'll get there...eventually.

Righty is continuing to not get much better or much worse. It's a shit ton stronger than it was prior to starting up the latest round of PT but it's still not exactly a happy camper, especially when it hasn't been worked on within the past two or three days...like right now. We'll see what Kocher has to say about it tomorrow...

It's February.

Almost March, actually.

I was thinking about it and realized that Mr. Lefty will be 6 months post-surgery in about a week. Wow. Time flies. I've been dancing again for almost 3 months now, the same amount of time I was out for. So I've got no more excuses--I should be just about back to where I was. I feel like I am--I'm not hesitating anymore, I'm attacking things again, I finally got falling out of my system (in the ballet res auditions of course but at least it's out of my system now...), and I'm feeling good. The only thing I'm still struggling with really is holding my turnout and getting my extensions back up there--it was a good 6 months before surgery though that nothing was going higher than degage and it's only with this surgery that I have close to 90 degrees of rotation on the left, so I'm sure it will come with time. That and my balance on the left...we were doing partnered pirrouettes the other day in pointe class and I couldn't turn right because my balance was such a mess on the left leg, so I had to be a lefty turner. It better come with time.

It really feels close to 100%, as close to 100% as I think it ever will and ever could be. I sometimes forget that I ever even had that surgery. Then I see the scars and I remember or just get really confused for a second before remembering, and then I just feel like an idiot.


Mr. Righty is still far from fantastic. I see Kocher in a couple of weeks, hoping he'll have some idea of where to go next. I've been in PT again for a few weeks now and, while they've yet to give up on me, I'm about to give up on myself. I've been dealing with this for too long. My psoas is still angry as all hell and the cortisone shot didn't help that. It got rid of the nasty pinching feeling inside the joint but my psoas is still not a happy camper. PT has tried stretching it but, when you're so flexible already, it's hard to stretch things. We've tried strengthening it but anything that really works it causes it to catch and snap and get really sore. They've tried taping it which helps but only until the tape falls off. I don't know, I'm kind of ready to just give up on it for the time being. It doesn't bother me too much once I get warm in class, it's after class that I really pay for it and for the first few exercises at the barre that I really hate it. I'm also still scared to land on it, because it feels so similar to how it did. But I can deal with it and it's not getting any worse. We'll see how long I can put up with this.